Lovely Phantasm
by Kismet's Kiss
Summary: How do you live with the knowledge that you’ve killed the person you love most in the world? Kira, Cagalli, and the lives affected by them.
1. Chapter 1

**Tagline:**_** How do you live with the knowledge that you've killed the person you love most in the world?**_

**A Gundam Seed/Destiny Fanfic. Yes, I will be updating **_**Island of Secrets**_**, …eventually…**

**Note: not saying it's a KiraxCagalli fic but it does center on those characters as a basis for the plot. Also, I don't know how they deal with…funerals in Japan, if it's at all different and you know, it might even be different in the Gundam Seed Universe, and so, just ignore however way I write it out, kay? Thanks.**

Lovely Phantasm

-

The scenery before him was bright, it was early within the day and the sun had settled in high above the sky, staring down at the miniature beings with its hot rays of light, providing warm yet exhaustion amongst its other dutiful means.

The breezed billowed gently, calmly, as it made its way entangling amongst the brown, dark locks of the boy sitting perched upon a stretched seat staring out at the world motionless. A figure had come from behind, from whereabouts unknown to him, to place their hand gently upon his forearm, a means to gather his attention failing miserably.

A soft call of his name.

'Kira…'

A call not from the woman behind the man, but from a voice distant beyond reasoning, a voice only heard, nowadays, by him and solely him alone.

"It's time to go…" There is a shuffle and she leaves him, her pink cascading hair following slightly behind her moving frame, she finds comfort in the arms of an equally composed yet distraught form, with emerald eyes and a midnight shade of blue hair. She wants to cry, her tears spent from the days before yet all the more rekindled by the sight before her.

So, she cries. Silently, and the man holding her laments along with her for the atrocity that had been committed, for the doubt within their minds, for the cruel harsh reality of it all.

"Okay." His voice is silent, barely audible. His moves are sluggish at best and it is as if his body is screaming at him to just stop moving, to never breathe again, to never live again.

He walks past them and their embraced form, narrowly missing the extended hand that falls lifeless against the flow of the wind upon missing its designated target. He gets in on back, a car dark and meant for the most precious of people of those dearly departed.

Its funny, he muses. _She_ always _use_ to drive around in dark cars, just like this, for meetings. Just like this.

A meeting of fate, destiny. Something inescapable.

A car, dark and polished, meant to escape from the outside world and its light if only for a second.

It was as if, she had it all planned out. He grimaces. It was as if, she was having her fair share of it before undoubtedly he would too.

As the windows pull up, he catches a side glance of his companions entering their own car. He affords a tint of a smile when the window is rolled to a shut and his car takes off. She is just before him now; he can see the car withholding her.

He should have gotten her a prettier car.

-

The place is massive in size, yet empty and hollow. There are tears here and there and there is apologetic sympathy, words that ring within his ears that for the _life_ of him, he cannot disperse.

'_She was so young'_

'_I'm sorry'_

'_The world will not be the same without her'_

'_**Orb**__ will not be the same without her'_

'_I can't imagine how hard it has been for you'_

'_She loved her country very much…'_

'_She loved…__**you**__ very much…'_

_'why did she…'_

The ceremony starts yet the words are faded, the lights are dim and subtle flashes of pictures engulf the church, photography, it's all over the headlines, the world needs to know it's without a leader now.

He wonders who will be up for the position.

He frowns.

No one could take her place, not even her own twin.

That's exactly what he told the union when they had offered the position to him. '_The country needs you_'

Well, I need her.

His thoughts are interrupted when a slightly booming voice asks if anyone has anything prepared to say before the ship off. He feels the eyes on him but he makes no move to speak, he hears an angelic voice soon after, one he had come to know well yet seems to be ever fading within the following days.

All is at calm, a mellifluous voice soothing them into submission, into silent tears of sadness blending in with hope. It ends and the shuffling begins, a lily is given out to all whom dares stand up to the funeral casket, he eyes the floor gloomily, hating how _to the point_ everything is amongst these things for a representative, a leader. How formal, how detached from emotion, all of it nothing but a mere nuisance, a hindrance to him and his wants of peace and tranquility, to just have her back.

"Lilies are often used to denote life or resurrection, isn't that correct Mr. Yamato?"

The voice is odd, bordering on a smirk with a hint of sadness and disdain.

"Funny how they can't just use something like, daises, something to deter the gloom, you know?"

"Daises are used to symbolize innocence."

"Ah, here…" the hand of the man hands him a Lily, and the receiver twirls it amongst thumb and index finger. Hesitantly he walks up to the casket, its open, her face pale with way to much make up on to denote life amongst her lifeless form.

His heart aches and he feels himself giving in once more.

The man beside him, his shoulder brushing against the now sunken form of the depressed being yet ungoing unfelt shrugs before dropping the flower amongst the many surrounding the casket. The flower blends in amongst the others, so much so it is as if it was never added.

"Daises wouldn't have worked, eh? After all, suicide wasn't very becoming of a woman within her position."

With that the man took off, took leave of the frozen body now standing and staring before and at that which lied before him.

"Kira,-" A pause. "It's time to go…"

"Lacus?" Her head shoots up along with the eyes that were staring at the floor below her. "Y-yes?"

"How do you live with the knowledge that you've killed the person you love most in the world?"

Such bated breath answered him and as he turned to leave without her to follow, she answered with a mere whisper.

"You don't."

-

**Please review. I should update moderately and hopefully with **_**Island of Secrets**_** to follow.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hehe,** **just felt the need to update. Still no muse for Island of Secrets, le sighs. I suggest listening to the song "Awakening" by Mae while reading this chapter, I'm obsessed with it. If ya want me to send it to you, review and ask?**

-

_**And I'd leave….leave it all behind.**_

_**If you'll be here….here with me tonight.**_

_-_

"The bed's empty."

"…but, you're on it."

"…"

"It's still empty."

Silence ensues and only the soft shuffle from one foot to the other echoes throughout the desolate, bare room.

"It's Cagalli's bed."

The small whish of sheets becoming entangled and pulled apart is the male's response and with a sigh he resigns his position of trying to get through. Placing his hands in his pockets he nods towards his companion that really just isn't there.

With that, he moves to take leave but not before he hears the words of an answer to his silent inquiry.

"I'll be fine…"

-

"Is…he alright?"

A swift shake of his head, his blue locks dancing along with the motion.

"Oh, poor Kira…I wish there was something I could-"

"There's nothing anything can do right now. Come on, let's go." soft petite hand holds him in place so he turns his head to acknowledge. "Lacus?"

"Just wait, Athrun."

He does so, and they stand there, listening to the wind about the opening terrace that just barely resembles the silent sobs coming from the other room.

-

"It seems like the rain has stopped, Cagalli." Clutching on to the white fabric, Kira lays back down, his back upon the bedspread; eyes staring at the ceiling that only serves to stare back blankly.

-

_When I close my eyes to this paradox place_,

_I'll fly away, far away from here_

_-_

"_I'll be fi_ne…Kira? Helloooo…"

A smiling yet confused blonde haired, amber eyed beauty is waving in front of a violet eyed youth to gather his attention. Laughing before growling softy she pushes him and slowly, he comes to his senses.

"Geez, Kira-what's gotten into you?"

"…Cag-" _Is this real?_ He reaches out to touch her, and as skin meets skin, as her eyes close in a silent bliss, eager for the touch, he pulls back as though shocked by the pure intensity of the contact. She reaches out to regain the touch but he stands up from their seated position upon a grassy field.

"Kira?"

The wind is blowing, and there are birds soaring the skies peacefully. The night is young yet passing by quickly.

He stares at her.

-

_I'll get away and dream_,

_Dream of you…_

-

"Cagalli…" she isn't that taken back when he collapses back upon the ground and drapes his body upon her own, knocking them down, sprawled across the field of green. She is motionless as he sobs, already use to his bouts of tears although it has been years since the war. Memories are bound to resurface, so, as she stares at the oncoming darkening skies, and as the wind accompanies them, she slowly raises her hands and gently embraces him.

"It's okay, Kira…I'm here. I'll always be here."

He stiffens.

And then holds her tighter.

Night is coming, and he has to wonder, why is there such dread?

"Cagalli, Cagalli-you're here, here with me, _Cagalli_, Cagalli-_you're real._"

_**But…is she, really?**_

A soft chuckle. "Of course, Kira, what did you think? That I was a figment of your imagination? I hope not, if so I would think you would imagine me to be a lot more…well," She blushes prettily and he stares at her in wonderment.

"But, you're perfect."

-

_When it's all said and done_,

_And the night has come_,

-

"Oh, Kira…you know I'm not perfect." She tilts her head upward so it's facing the sky directly and she breathes in.

_Because I am your sister._

"The night has come."

He nods mutely.

"Don't leave me Kira, not again."

_What?_

…and then, she is unreachable.

-

_I'll disappear… _

_-_

_The sheets are drenched. _

And the tears he cried stain not only his face.

He chokes out her name and he clutches his throat and chest before those shaky hands make there way to grip around his surroundings.

_A dream._

He cries anew.

As the silence encompasses him he strides through the bedroom and out the back door, welcoming the fresh air to brisk away his never to cease tears.

_-_

_Take flight on the wind,_

_Of wishing you where here_,

-

He sees her smile; he sees her glowing eyes bright as the-_fading light…, like a star whose life has been gone for years-_light that accompanies him from the glowing sky. He closes his eyes and imagines her next to him, holding on to his arm with one hand, the other arm held up to cover the light from her eyes as she looks beyond beside him.

They are smiling; they are planning their escape, their time alone. He's nodding to her plans, and she would occasionally nudge him, asking him to take charge. He laughs, retorts; "why bother if you're man enough for the job?" and she hits him and they tumble into the room laughing.

-

…_and I'll fly, _

_Fly across the sky_

_-_

"

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's what you are…"

"No, it's not."

"Pfft, we all _know_ I am the older one, so just give it up-here! Catch me if you can!" She pushes him as a way to 'tag' him and he huffs in mock annoyance.

"Yeah! Real mature Cagalli!" Still, it doesn't take long for him to give chase with a bright smile on his face. He never really played tag when he was growing up, so even now, in their twenty years of age, these childish games is all they have. A way to make up for what could have been, what time they had lost.

He tackles her from behind and she giggles all the way down. "No fair! Get off me you oaf!"

He slumps down beside her, propping an elbow about the land under them, resting his chin in his open palm to have a good look at her heavily breathing form. "You need to exercise more, _sis_."

"Shut up."

He laughs yet continues to study her.

"_What!_"

He is startled for a moment and then laughs nervously muttering a 'nothing' in between. He repositions himself so he is lying beside her as they stare up at the sky.

"I should get back to the office…"

-

_And I'll leave, _

_Leave it all behind,_

- 

"Hmm, a whole country _does_ need you."

"Do _you_ need me?"

-

_If you'd be… here, _

_Here with me __tonight,_

-

"I wouldn't know what to do without you."

-

_I'll be fine, I'll be fine,…I'll be fine_

-

_The breeze is cool, freezing and piercing even._

He snaps open his eyes and his vision is blurry.

_A memory._

It's dark now so he walks back in to the vacant home, trudges over to his one bag, zips it and slugs it over his shoulder. He walks by photos of her, of them, and passes by belongings filled with her scent, and he wishes, he wishes…

He closes the door to the home.

_Their home. _

-

_I'll disappear… _

_Take flight on the wind of wishing you were here,_

_Fading light…_

_Like a star whose life has been gone for years_

-

The house no longer sees the car as he drives away, the skies are now crying with tears of their own, and the darken skies are absorbed by the bitterness of this one being's grieving.

He takes shelter at a hotel filled with memories, the down pour of the rain pounding at him; he is escorted to his room wordlessly. He opens the door and the thunder from outside illuminates the cold, stuffy room.

How could he have ever brought her to a place such as this?

He sits on the bed roughly and he digs through his pockets until he finds what he has been searching for.

A tattered up note that has been read one too many times.

_Ours again. Together Forever. Meet me where it all began. See you there on 18 May CE 75._

_C._

He wants to rip it apart, but he can't bring himself to it.

It's the sole reminder that he killed her.

-

…_and I'll fly, _

_Fly across the sky, _

-

"_Marry me."_

Hesitance.

"_I-"_

"_Okay."_

But a whisper.

-

"He's not picking up his phone, maybe we shouldn't have left him, what if…you don't think he would, Oh my…we shouldn't have ever-"

"Kira is not so weak. Don't think so little of him Lacus." He is holding her to calm her, to calm himself.

"Don't you miss her? You loved her, you _loved_ her. How could you be here? Be here in such a way with me, so…composed, Athrun." her voice is soft yet demanding.

He doesn't answer as she stares at him, incredulous. His eyes says it all, "Kira isn't the only one that is hurting…"and she wraps her small hands around him and he buries his face within her neck.

Caressing his locks as he shakes, his muffle voice reaches her ears but she dares not respond.

"_Yet, he has reasons to cry three times over."_

_A lover, a brother, a friend._

They knew that now.

It was a little too late.

-

"Kira…" he reaches throughout the dark, and he swears, for a moment, their hands intertwine.

-

…_and I'll leave, leave it all behind,_

_If you'd be here… here with me tonight,_

-

"Why-_**why**_did you _go…_?"

"_Kira…come back to me…"_

"_You _come back to _me."_

There is no answer and he lays there in the dark mutely before slamming his fists into the sheets while turning over to bury his face into the covers.

His muffled sobs only for her to hear.

-

_I'll be fine, _

_I'll be fine, _

_I'll be fine…_

-

**Confusing, I know, but :shrugs: that's how I roll.**

**Review if you care. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm long overdue for an update. With the Gundam Seed section being low on popularity, I guess motivation is slim to none. After this, I will be updating **_**Tell me a Story**_**, and **_**Island of Secrets, **_**thanks to all whom stuck by my stories.**

**-**

As far back as I can remember I always heard singing. A soft, singing voice in the back of my head, somewhere far and secrete, untouchable, unable to grip and strangle, to choke and to silence, leaving me powerless to stop it.

The soft hum grew louder every time I was with _him_. It was like an incantation, intoxication, a warning or heavenly bells-although, one would think it more so a caution for being with him…in that way was…

The birds always chirped their loudest when with him and the wind always blew its fiercest.

I look towards the darkening skies, and I looked at the hands of my watch tick so slowly as my eyes danced along the canvas so precariously awaiting the moment the phone would ring to tell me, or the winds to blow their little, small songs of wisdom pass my ear and inevitably tell me, or for, him, and his lips, to come at the door, and tell me…

"Cagalli."

"Kira!" I ran to him with the highest of sprits, the anxiety that almost consumed me mere moments ago gone and forgotten just by the sheer brilliance of his face looking back at me. "Where have you've been? You fool! I was so worried."

"I'm sorry…Cagalli, I-" His look became hard and I immediately took his face to cradle within my palms and rocked him with me, I was humming again, a soft hum I knew not the title too. "Are you well? You look a little pale…and you're shaking, Kira, you're shivering."

"_Marry me."_

There was silence then, all but for the sound of the song becoming much louder until it consumed the entirety of my head and I didn't so much as merely flinch.

"I-"

"Okay." But a whisper. I was compelled even though I knew it was complete absurdity to even take him half serious. There was no way for us, but he had asked, and I had answered, as if we were two common people of no relation, the world open and soaring for us to fly amongst the winds, to let it cradle and lead us to wherever our destinies lied.

"Ca-Cagalli." The soft hum had cleared then, and it never came back. He delved into me, first his face into my neck, his chest upon my chest, his heart, his soul, his thrusts and his pants, he clung and we sweated, and he loved me throughout the night till the morning and the birds chirped listlessly until I awoke with cold sweat.

A vibration intruded my thoughts and as I peered over to my brother, whose form was sound asleep, breathing in and out so carelessly to that around him. I leaned over, kissed his shoulder blade smoothly, sensually and languidly before rising, taking with the bed sheets to cover my form.

The phone had been the culprit for the noise and by the time I got to it a message was all that was left of any notice that there had been indeed a call. Picking it up, I scanned the screen and clicked on the message.

_Kira, the wedding chapel has been arranged for the wedding_

The voice broke off then; a soft giggle was all that was left between the beginning and the end.

_Two weeks Kira…and you and I, well, I will be Mrs. Yamato! Please call me back soon. I hope all is well. _

The automated voice asked me if I wanted to replay the message, and I thought to myself, yes, of course. Like a moth to a flame.

Setting the phone down gently I walked partially nude across the room to where my brother lay stilled, I watched him for the longest of times, and I felt in that moment, that I had always been watching him and when he wasn't in view, searching, looking, waiting for him.

And in that moment my throat closed in all around me and my body began to shake, my sight was blurry and I stepped back haphazardly, I think I knocked into something, but everything is so unclear.

The humming wasn't there but a gut wrenching feeling instead. I watched as the morning light skewed the skies and begged for the trees to cast shadow upon the earth, and I fell upon my knees and clutched at my skin, scratched and scraped as if trying to pry myself out of it.

He was to be married in two weeks.

And I? I was to be left to rot.

The scenes flashed before me and the world came crashing around me. The plastered smiles, the second best man, a life filled and left with un-wanting. I scrambled to my feet and I stared out, pass the room, pass the doors, out into the world that had plotted against me since the day I was born and I breathed, breathed for air, for life, for hope out of desperation. I clung to the railing and looked down unsteadily.

I breathed in one quick breath and I went inside, as cold as ice. A quick paper and pen, a quick note, _sorry, sorry, sorry_, and I was off, my bags, my necessities, and I was gone, and I was gone.

-

The sky is dull today, he notes. He watched two birds fight across the sky, bickering over a crumb of bread and his gaze was limp at best.

"Kira, would you like to see the lawyers today? We need to…well; we need to go over ownership of a few things left behind."

"Hmm…what day is it?" A soft answer is his response and he strains to hear but he still does not, lost in his own world.

"Kira?"

"What day is it?"

"It's, Thursday, Kira, Thursday." he nods solemnly, and when he opens his mouth to say 'oh' long and breathy she winces slightly for she knew that he had retired early for the night only because he had drunk himself to it.

"So, it's been a week since the funeral then."

"Yes." Lacus acknowledged awkwardly. "It's been a week, usually this would be considered a long time to decide on the…" she broke off and let her eyes fall to the table before her.

"I'll go today, then." He pushes himself up and she stands beside him quickly, ready to catch him if he falls. "Lacus?" She 'hmm's softly in question and he tilts his head to the side as though seeing her for the first time. "Where's Athrun?"

"I-I don't know, really. Perhaps he has gone into the city? Or, maybe he is at the counsel…if you would like for me to call him up I-" He walked by her as though she had faded into the wind, just like his sister did not so many nights ago.

"I will be taking a shower and then redressed, I'll meet you out front in half and hour." With that he is gone and she stares at where he once sat across from her mere moments ago. A napkin is drawn close to his seat and she picks it up curiously, he had a pen, he was suppose to be taking notes on the pad beside his knife, notes on what to do with what was left behind. She gave up after the second run through and his eyes were still drawn to the sky, to the birds that bickered yet sung together so harmoniously.

She unfolded the napkin and her eyes began to water,

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

The line, the phrase, the emotion filled the entire napkin, some of it cut off as it ran off and some squished just to make it fit.

-

"Cagalli?"

No answer and so he brings his face into his hands and rubs at his eyes to let the sleepiness fall away. He tries again, and the result is the same.

He wants to cry, but he doesn't know why.

He pulls back the covers and stands, surveying his surroundings, its early morning and he doesn't remember much of last night, only his question, only her answer, and he smiles, a very sad, sad smile.

He wanders throughout the house that doesn't belong to him but has become a second home nonetheless, and he becomes curious as to why, as he comes out of the bathroom, the kitchen, and the small dining hall, that Cagalli is nowhere to be found.

"…Cagalli? Are you hiding?" this last is said with such playful youth it would be seen as though he was merely six years old, looking for his twin as she deviously decided to play hide and seek with her unknowing brother.

Walking over to his bag, he checks his phone, every intention to call her but, he stops when he sees that the phone was left open, and he checks his call history, and he sees that Lacus has called him.

He checks his messages, and he freezes.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he closes the phone, and he thinks of where she could have gone to. He chides himself for not noticing sooner that the closet door is open, clothes taken out carelessly, a suitcase missing so openly between the sets, and he berates himself for not moving faster.

He passes the note, and he doesn't notice it.

-

Her voice is cracking and his world is deteriorating, rapidly. Words like, death, cliff, suicide, all reach him, nothing else, and all he sees his red, red before and beyond. Her hold on him is strong, as though willing to him to do something, she is scared, and she is…he pulls away.

He doesn't believe it.

He doesn't believe Athrun's slow and steady tears or the sirens or the flashes of photography and rolling of cameras. He walks unsteadily to his car and all he can think of doing is to go back to that bed where he had just lain beside her earlier this morning.

Proof.

They needed proof.

He kept telling himself. The witness at the hotel, telling the reporters how distraught she was, how possibly drunk she was, with rage or with drink, they knew not. No one else was in the room, no signs of it in the least, she checked in alone, just her and her bags-_bags_.

He turned on the ignition.

Why would she have brought her clothes and other belongings if she was planning on committing suicide?

The words stung.

It was becoming more real by the second; it was turning from refusal to acknowledge to confirming the facts. It wasn't long before he came upon the house, before he tore up the earth to get inside, to throw himself upon the bed and cry, scream and rage.

He breathed in her scent, the sheets, the pillow, the house itself. He rose with clear intentions, he made way to call an investigation team, and he would bring up on the possible charge of assassination. They would find the killer and once found, _he was going to-_

He stilled.

Turning ever so lightly he saw something out of his peripheral version and reached over for it.

He finds a note, and a week later, worn and torn still to be reread over and over again.

_I'm sorry._

-_kill him_(self).


End file.
